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Notice this is written years ago and the growth continues. There is definitely an addiction (a temporary phase) to shame after it turns you on, and I have warned somewhere to keep the practice a private matter until there is some maturity (the flow of energy is overwhelming, and there is the temptation to become accessible and manifest. I learned that the accessibility I obtained to the source of emptiness is ALL that matters. I learned from trial and error that wisdom when to be accessible and inaccessible otherwise is to be guided by the inward motion to this source. (I feel it as a deep pause, a satisfying sensation of sinking through my heart until the image 'i' disappears)
ADD: The sensation of withdrawal into shame and the deep pause to obtain to emptiness are exactly the same.
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Notice this is written years ago and the growth continues. There is definitely an addiction (a temporary phase) to shame after it turns you on, and I have warned somewhere to keep the practice a private matter until there is some maturity (the flow of energy is overwhelming, and there is the temptation to become accessible and manifest. I learned that the accessibility I obtained to the source of emptiness is ALL that matters. I learned from trial and error that wisdom when to be accessible and inaccessible otherwise is to be guided by the inward motion to this source. (I feel it as a deep pause, a satisfying sensation of sinking through my heart until the image 'i' disappears)
ADD: The sensation of withdrawal into shame and the deep pause to obtain to emptiness are exactly the same. Shame is a totally passive state without action, and the obtaining to the source of emptiness/indifference is a controlled state of potency whether passive or active.
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I am not at all preachy from my side as to demeanor. I am telling what I know rationally and empirically. I thought to start writing with more color. I DO have a personality.. lol. Cold detachment enhances 'it.'
A clarity about recapitulation struck me today. I don't believe it's as important to recap everything, as it is to recap in detail the experiences in life that were/are most abhorent to normal sensibilities.. I mean the things that really hurt and that drained you of will to live. This is where the recouping of premium lost energy should happen.
And so, recalling in vivid, detailed memory the fallout from being picked on by classmates in a Catholic elementary school throughout {it was devestating at times} was very, very sad; but, because of my intent (what recap is) to penetrate the worst moments, I found infinite joy in the sadness. The energy retrieved from my recap was enormous.
In elementary school they had learning groups with kids called Bluebirds, Cardinals, etc. I was in the group called Stupid. I had the unique situation of being very popular with the public school kids I lived with in my neighborhood, and that saved my ass. I was pretty good in sports, and the move to high school luckily changed everything.
You understand my point here. It follows that shameful moments should be the crux of recap. It is not called shame for no reason.
So then, it follows that objectifying the most intense shameful moments in the process of recapitulation should free you from the insecurities of societal judgments, self-judgements, and doubts about what you can stand. It also follows that if you gain energy here, to make sure you get the most from it. I wanted to hit a homerun. I went back after a few months, and decided to trust that I could put detachment aside, and really get the brunt of what that little boy billy experienced when it seemed hopeless. It was a brutal exercise, and I wanted no reprieve from my own self-contempt.
A few weeks in, foreboding emptiness visited nightly with the exact same startling nightmare for two weeks. As I said, I woke up one morning realizing a rather profound underlayment of peace. I knew I could never be drawn to conventional status again because that was totally unreal to me. It was not a choice at all. IT WAS GONE! I was very confused too in terms of my mechanics in the world. I was kind of lost, but the peace from within overuled my confusion. Then I SAW what a gift I had been bestowed. I was fucking detached from the world big-time, and then this way of the Warrior all made perfect sense. When sorcery was suddenly there in front of me exactly a year ago, I knew immediately something amazing was happening.
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I am not at all preachy from my side as to demeanor. I am telling what I know rationally and empirically. I thought to start writing with more color. I DO have a personality.. lol. Cold detachment enhances 'it.'
A clarity about recapitulation struck me today. I don't believe it's as important to recap everything, as it is to recap in detail the experiences in life that were/are most abhorent to normal sensibilities.. I mean the things that really hurt and that drained you of will to live. This is where the recouping of premium lost energy should happen.
And so, recalling in vivid, detailed memory the fallout from being picked on by classmates in a Catholic elementary school throughout {it was devestating at times} was very, very sad; but, because of my intent (what recap is) to penetrate the worst moments, I found infinite joy in the sadness. The energy retrieved from my recap was enormous.
In elementary school they had learning groups with kids called Bluebirds, Cardinals, etc. I was in the group called Stupid. I had the unique situation of being very popular with the public school kids I lived with in my neighborhood, and that saved my ass. I was pretty good in sports, and the move to high school luckily changed everything.
You understand my point here. It follows that shameful moments should be the crux of recap. It is not called shame for no reason.
So then, it follows that objectifying the most intense shameful moments in the process of recapitulation should free you from the insecurities of societal judgments, self-judgements, and doubts about what you can stand. It also follows that if you gain energy here, to make sure you get the most from it. I wanted to hit a homerun. I went back after about a year, and decided to trust that I could put detachment aside, and really get the brunt of what that little boy billy experienced when it seemed hopeless. It was a brutal exercise, and I wanted no reprieve from my own self-contempt.
A few weeks in, foreboding emptiness visited nightly with the exact same startling nightmare for two weeks. As I said, I woke up one morning realizing a rather profound underlayment of peace. I knew I could never be drawn to conventional status again because that was totally unreal to me. It was not a choice at all. IT WAS GONE! I was very confused too in terms of my mechanics in the world. I was kind of lost, but the peace from within overuled my confusion. Then I SAW what a gift I had been bestowed. I was fucking detached from the world big-time, and then this way of the Warrior all made perfect sense. When sorcery was suddenly there in front of me exactly a year ago, I knew immediately something amazing was happening.
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A correct chronology was about a year from recap and writing to the effort that reaped emptiness. My marriage was all over the place and got really funky. With the wifey denying sex for over two months I began fantasizing that she cuckolded me. Plenty of shame there; I'll tell you that. And, I loved getting off on the idea she made me her obedient submissive. That phase passed..smile. Lots of erasing to do here.
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Don Juan said the warrior's way was everything, and that its structure reveals that the ancient shamans of Mexico were at the height of power and happiness. Yet, it is imperative to understand that one walks continually along the precpice only one step removed from disaster. The responsibility is not to be ignored.
Many of those ancients thought their power was a sufficient buffer, and were unprepared when faced with those that meant them harm. And too, Don Juan reminds us that in various measurements, warriors are prone to being morons like anyone else (which is another way of saying you must deal with being the human **** you are).
So what then is the primary focus of the warrior's way to be anchored when that is needed, or to move on with proper intent? Questions a warrior asks are to be directly answered in the question. A warrior is about solutions more than problems, about choices more than fate, about being more aware of deathground than the direction of life.
...well said billy
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Do not be handcuffed by what you know billy
for yourself, there is more liberty in knowing what you don't know
'beyond me' is totally ME
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Do not be handcuffed by what you know billy
for yourself, there is more liberty in knowing what you don't know
'beyond me' is totally ME (for now)
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Don Juan said the warrior's way was everything, and that its structure reveals that the ancient shamans of Mexico were at the height of power and happiness. Yet, it is imperative to understand that one walks continually along the precpice only one step removed from disaster. The responsibility is not to be ignored.
Many of those ancients thought their power was a sufficient buffer, and were unprepared when faced with those that meant them harm. And too, Don Juan reminds us that in various measurements, warriors are prone to being morons like anyone else (which is another way of saying you must deal with being the human **** you are).
So what then is the primary focus of the warrior's way to be anchored when that is needed, or to move on with proper intent? Questions a warrior asks are to be directly answered in the question. A warrior is about solutions more than problems, about choices more than fate, about being more aware of deathground than the direction of life.
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Could be i'm done proselytizing. (another word for serloco to look up in the dictionary)
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I am coming around to more auspicious conventional conditions, and so the writing will reflect some of that.
I talked about shame without exactly saying how concentric it is for pride and positive emotions. And when I talked about recapitulating shame, that part for me has been over for quite a while.
Still, I continue to identify with it knowingly because it is so so sweet to indifference. It has such dependable pliability in the sorcerer's world of intention. I can now form 'shameness' into anything.
Really, shame is the perfect vehicle to get to the void initially. I have completely objectified it, and for myself the word is a misnomer, as I know it now as (creative) indifference, (creative) emptiness, or (creative) void. I am becoming powerful. I have never known how to fix my confidence in shame (lol) {unknown void} so solidly as now. I am a death defier.
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I am going to bring some here through the dense fog. I certainly understand reluctance to touch shame, for it is a downright shameful thing.. shame is like that. So, I will start to talk more about the warrior's way and coming through to the other side.
I have not told you that I read virtually all of the Castaneda books decades ago, and some many times over. I came back persistently to the ideas (especially through the Wheel of Time) a half dozen years ago. I was already practicing components of detachment, but without the comprehension to propel me to move my assemblage point. Recapitulation changed that.
Even when I 'accidentally' engaged recapitulation and attained its power, I could not cogently tell you what happened. I can now.
So here I discovered the stupid little boy billy. At one point there is a true story of how he tried to disappear. He looked in a mirror and saw he was too despicable to be alive. One leaves that sort of shameful experience in the past. In recap it is relived in painstaking detail.
What stands out, of course, is the acute sadness of seeing one's self utterly destroyed. The difference though, is the intent of awareness to embrace this experience and one's own degradation in a meaningful way. Detachment here is temporarily put off to the side to focus fully on the gist of being profoundly unhappy. The sadness is so powerful that one weeps. When one weeps as a warrior, it is not just cathartic release that prevails. Rather, one becomes deeply, energetically, joyously sad. The only possibility in such an essential contradiction of feelings is laughter. I LAUGHED!!
My point here is that such recapitulation gives basis to eternal happiness. I WANT to laugh at all the things that previously brought me down. It is the naturally evolving work of being a warrior. Yes, I would prefer to win over losing. I would prefer an abundance of spirit over impoverishment. YET!! I can SEE RICHNESS in ANY condition, impoverishment of spirit included. Slowly but surely, ALL becomes the domain of my own awareness. ALL is outside the reach of the negative effect of perceptual time. I MEAN.. 'time for what? ..to do what?' I am the sole agency. I can move my assemblage point.
Do what ever it takes to be a warrior and break down limiting self-descriptions so as to freely reap from awareness of energy and energetic formation at the life/death source.
Am I doing better s? LAUGH, SMILE
For the record. I want you to know I have no intention to surpass you until after a few thousand years.. and, AS YOU WOULD WANT THAT TO BE SO. Thank you for everything you do. I promise I do not underestimate you-- no way. love billy/derek
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As I say I am becoming powerful, I add the adjunct that this is relative to previous experience. I mean, there was a time when I was the worst; I just had no wherewithal, no awareness and cognizance.
I am dishing out from/for my own interest, as the novelty of this stage wants personal expression of itself. I am truly flying above older ways of being; I am graced in and of myself as cultivated through humbling machinations of shame. {I recapped, recreated or/and IMAGININED 'negative appraisals,' and literally put my 'self' in a base position until I kept myself there permanently}
Maintaining this sense of bottom (now objectified) is my sole posture, and as such it is the energetic basis for my breathing. Out of the 'disgusting' bottom (lol), is limitless possibility. There, one knows that all perceptions are forms of self-pity indulged. I indulge them to be sure, only they arise immediately objectified and evolved from this permanent presence at the bottom.
As I said, "my shame is a misnomer," as it is truly a simple inflection of indifference or "eternal energy in the void." It follows, my humble posture is not really one of humility the way one would commonly understand it; to be certain, my manifestations have no boundaries that way. I stalk ruthlessly........ ....
A disposition that admits limitation is no longer part of me. I do not choose that, nor do I choose death unless and until I decide THAT.
(NOTE* -- image self is under the domain of MY IMMORTAL SELF, and the only thing fucking lower than my image self is MY IMMORTAL SELF > I spiral downward even lower from the reach of habitual reality until I alone am the creator)
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Okay then, so this equation as the warrior's way amounts to unlearning 1st attention images of 'self' description. They are no more real than in another attention. This intentional occupation of shifting attentions beckons the SELF away from staunch attachment to conditional manifestions. These are infinite. So much so, that the doings are unimportant. The warrior's controlled folly here directs the spirit to the place of no concern. {or perhaps intends the spirit (however so, the spirit then contiguously directs the warrior}
There is no way one can keep personal attachments in the same vein as before. As Don Juan states:
"Our fellow men (women) are black magicians... And if you remain with them, your thoughts and your actions are fixed forever in their terms. That is slavery. The warrior... is free from all that...don't waste your time and your power fearing freedom."
I stated 'controlled' above in bold, because the detachment from the endless folly has to be intended, and too, one's actions from the point of no concern must be intended. (I had not learned the latter until serloco mirrored that to me.)
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You are all so special (lol), as Nagual Lone Wolf' site here is the ONLY medium where I share these ideas. Though I interact a little with the world, I am absolutely a loner and no longer taken hold of by worldly interactions. I'm just not.
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I got a very nice empirical glimpse at a concept dealing with fear. Fear is so much part of life, and I mention somewhere that one can encompass fear as part of wholeness. Today I was able to stop in fear's tracks, and noticed, "YES this is fear feelings." I intended the sense of being okay with fear, befriended the feelings right then and there. Where was the fear?
I then realized fear is no different than pain. I had learned to acquiesce to pain, even turn it. So why wasn't the pain painful? Death can be an ally. I have befriended death.. YES, this is about death as much as life. It teaches how to effectively negate the unwanted suchness.
I tell you nothing in the world can hold me, yet I can hold everything in the world.
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I also wanted to note that while I intend a sense of neutrality as to negative and positive conditions (and this includes stark conventional materiality and relationships), these conditions bring whatever kind or unkind emotions that are very EFFECTUALLY REAL. It is here that one must contiguously acknowledge the full brunt, yet simultaeously relish these uncontrived sensations. Only this way can one obtain to an unthreatened wholeness. This is to tell you again to recap what can not be touched (It CAN be touched.. do not be afraid). OMG > become authentic, do not hide from yourself.
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I am getting to the down and dirty-- the real stuff (wall) of conditions arising and the naturally (often unsavory) connected emotions. When my daughter was ten, I had the most petrifying moments of my life; what arose led me to believe my daughter had been abducted. I knew that pretty little girls that get taken were never found, and that such girls faced nightmarish rape or/and brutal, horrific torture. I would also have to live not knowing if she were dead or alive (with each scenario seemingly worse than the other).
I'm happy to tell you she graduated Summa Cum Luade with special honors, and is already an accomplished achiever....
It is undeniable I cannot be psychologically blind to conditions. (with seeming contradiction to previous words) What is it then I have been saying? Why not move on without the heavy self observance and such machinations of attempted shameful self-obliteration?
I will have somthing with more clarity later, but I know NOW within, that 'rational' self-destruction in concert with objective detachment underlies freedom. Everything you do (especially of conscious detachment) must prepare you for the time you face your own suffering without retreating or even flinching. You must desire (intend) this happening, having only the faint trust you will survive in good stead.
The willingness of a rational surrender to one's own negating abasement will bring the foundation to reconstruct the warrior's way in deep manifestation instead of fairly shallow words. Ideas will not be ideas only, they will become life in action.
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I am getting to the down and dirty-- the real stuff (wall) of conditions arising and the naturally (often unsavory) connected emotions. When my daughter was ten, I had the most petrifying moments of my life; what arose led me to believe my daughter had been abducted. I knew that pretty little girls that get taken were never found, and that such girls faced nightmarish rape or/and brutal, horrific torture. I would also have to live not knowing if she were dead or alive (with each scenario seemingly worse than the other).
I'm happy to tell you she graduated Summa Cum Luade with special honors, and is already an accomplished achiever....
It is undeniable I cannot be psychologically blind to conditions. (with seeming contradiction to previous words) What is it then I have been saying? Why not move on without the heavy self observance and such machinations of attempted shameful self-obliteration?
I will have something with more clarity later, but I know NOW within, that 'rational' self-destruction in concert with objective detachment underlies freedom. Everything you do (especially of conscious detachment) must prepare you for the time you face your own suffering without retreating or even flinching. You must desire (intend) this happening, having only the faint trust you will survive in good stead.
The willingness of a rational surrender to one's own negating abasement will bring the foundation to reconstruct the warrior's way in deep manifestation instead of fairly shallow words. Ideas will not be ideas only, they will become life in action.
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Want to think on this: I don't ever suffer from having a sense that my life is meaningless, rather I suffer only not realizing that life IS meaningless-- LAUGHING!
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Okay then, here you are with a counter-viewpoint that life DOES have meaning. SEE how that works for you. THAT is some fucking baggage there.
I do like responsibility, but fulfilling whatever to uphold the imagery of a MEANINGFUL existence???
While I'm on the topic.. I am not obsessively consumed by reflection and words (as you only know of my doings here in writings); that is, I do this when I'm doing this (I do many other things).
I do pay attention more; I will say THAT (especially now, since more and more thought is activated and is becoming manifest materially).
A greedy pig at the trough (not ever forgetful of who I am).
Integrate the individual concepts; TASTE a sense of the whole concept getting conveyed here (as with all of my words). I'm having fun here. You can understand me without a sense of seriousness. Be soberly light excepting when able to penetrate your own heart; then you bow to whatever spirit guides you.
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...yes billy, but what if Susan left you four years ago, thus losing the house and beautiful property and comfy, soft standards... (shake my head, smile...what the *** do i know)
... of course, I have been in hell before
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This reminds me of how fixated on the first attention I can be. Pay attention to self-teaching as it happens.
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Some context to billy 'writings': I am not on some sort of high, such that tomorrow I 'come down.' About a decade earlier, I 'oozed' and told my older sisters I was enlightened. Of course, by comparison to now, I hardly was so enlightened.
I tell you this, because you come here to follow the path of your heart. How many persons even know of such things. There is something in the Imitation of Christ like "If only I knew that I should persist," to which follows, "Do what you would do then as if you did know you should."
Your own story will compel you, until the unfoldings and spirit compel you without questioning. Understand, that serloco gets further on; he assumes partnership with the spirit (as I do), and ownership of the unfoldings in a creative narrative of doing (as I am beginning to do).
I am cheering on your heartfulness.
(also--I have referred myself as being a pig at the trough-- that is meant to be upbeat--I am consuming life)
{also-- I write in first person "I" intentionally. That is..I could use "you" or "one" can, etc. But my experience is to take incoming knowledge from others by emulating the first person concept. I make someone elses knowledge mine at first look. I suggest when you read my 'writings' that you understand to become the person who is writing them (like in Caddyshack > "Be the ball Danny" lol)}
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