billy's basic detachment practice

[Billy]

When you have some momentus detachment success, you need to pay attention, to make note that this is where you will draw from other times. 

This is why I liked a series of self-negation sessions, wherein, I moved through self-pity to an even greater sense of having no redemption-- so 'in fact' (by the attempt anyway) I was totally worthless and wanted my just desserts of suffering.  The process of my own initiation here was powerful, because I knew I could then intend this lowly state by will (on command) in the future.  The value of such practices is that the subconscious is aware that billy is 'playing games with his mind' {not really becoming worthless}. 
   Still, such is useful to move into when under circumstances of duress; here I avoid the pervasive negativity of the external stimuli by the internal journey to that place where I was (supposedly) worthless.  This habitual diversion creates immediate space whereby I am detached without using energy.  My prerogative to think, act, and be billy in a good way is unhindered.

[Billy]

Really though, HOW you CAN detach is less relevant than that you DO detach-- and that you pay attention here to focus and learn the better WAYS.

[Billy]

Really though, HOW you CAN detach is less relevant than that you DO detach-- and that you pay attention here to focus and learn the better WAYS.

When more efficient in detachment, 'paying attention' and 'better WAYS' is in regards to fine tuning the process, extracting application, and acting for optimum value (happiness).

Understand, I gave a scenario of detaching under duress, but the learning that gets you acumen starts with minor obstacles, unpleasantries, and petty self-pity and resentments.  I'm giving you the idea the gains are limitless (and they are).  So get some successes to draw on, persist, and quickly you will find that practicing detachment is irresistable > becomes a substantial game.

[Billy]

When the 'selfless' objectivity from detachment is more refined, then you are at the opened door to sorcery practice.  These are hand in hand.  I would not possibly empirically understand sorcery without the acumen of detachment.  Conceptual knowledge is next to useless without the manifestation.  And while manifestation is not the goal, self-empowerment IS.

  Powerful wholeness has primacy ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS! 

  Harmonious action from such integrity begets the results.  These results are totally 100% irrelevant if seen apart from my essential authenticity, and freedom, and authorship (which are redundancies of wholeness).

[Billy]

When I began writing several years ago to sublimate marital upheaval, I soon realized I was drawing energy from the recap of my life as proscribed by Don Juan.  Intrigue abounded as I continued writing.  I was watching bizarre marital manifestations unfold, not the least of which was a newfound obsession with cuckold obedience fantasy; and, I incessantly researched the evolution and phenomenology of shame (especially predating the advent of mankind) just to understand and feed my own craziness.
 
   At some point I saw that I would organize my writings and publish a book.  No ****, the Kindle e-book was titled (lol) Enlightened Cuckold {for the record, my wife never did cuckold me}.  I've moved through this phase to another. 

   As you can see by the flurry of my posts, I am dealing with self absorbtion even as I expand.  I will push myself out of this first attention absorption in 'good time.'

    I am glad to share because it seems apropo to do so here.  No point hiding that I am transitioning (to transitions: thanks for art and form link).

    It helps me (clarify) to write. 

    To provide perspective, the work of Castaneda (the ideas of Don Juan) were integral to my life view, as well as Ayn Rand's treatises on reason.  Leoneard Peikoff's Objectivism is the most cogent relay of her ideas on reason.  Ayn Rand's Fountainhead is my favorite book.  The main character illustrates that integrity of being trumps all else {do not compromise what you believe for whatever gain}.

[Billy]

I'm going to say something that follows the above which I think is important.  My favorite book, Fountainhead, is much about pride as the ultimate virtue as is Objectivism. 

My trist with want of submissiveness to my wife has been brief.  The irony is, the relation is turned upside down-- I am now in command of the subtle and not so subtle movements of relations with my wife.

Her dominance persisted more or less for over thirty years.  I have changed that dynamics entirely.  (think about it..  this is not something that happens often)

I am bringing out contrasts of ideas and real manifestation to make a critical point.  The choice (INTENT) of awareness to be in detachment and to return to the source of my emptiness involves a paradox.  It separates me and connects me simultaneously from the world and reality.

   Instead of concern for form extended outward, all of my perception when I am at my best is the most basic EMBODIMENT > the simple aura of being > a sense of my space like an invisible cocoon wrapping around my body.

   If I think to create this space or embellish it, I can by a simple directive of perception inward, as if through my heart and in forfeiture of this perception, so as there is nothing else but humbling surrender.
I can feel peaceful equilibrium and contained energy ooze out of this position (indifference).  This contained energy no longer remains passive (or just a sensation); it is mine to create with as I INTEND.

   I am at the beginnings.  It is probable that some smile knowingly here because they have been where I am.

[Billy]

My sobriety as a perceiver is for to attain this embodiment; then, all else from the place of embodiment is controlled folly, creativity > PLAY.

[Billy]

Indifference referred to is not lackadaisical.  It is potent with avidity and passion.

[Billy]

Indifference referred to is not lackadaisical.  It is potent with avidity and passion.  My choice of awareness therewith begets no doubt or fear.. not without my acquiescence or/and wisdom that I will hold my perception of being over fate.

 
Many of these thread ideas are realized, some in progress, some envisioned, some are seeds of what is yet to be believed.  I am propagating the possibilities-- the I CAN do.  That is something I learned; I blueprint the isolated successes or/and make theme readily visible and viably integrated.  By creating a conscious pattern, the knowing 'I CAN do' widens perception's scope.

   I must intend to SEE possiblity.  I must intend to integrate, and draw on the empirical experiences that expand my perception of potentiality.  Else, I have mere memories of snippits.

[Billy]

Indifference referred to is not lackadaisical.  It is potent with avidity and passion.  My choice of awareness therewith begets no doubt or fear.. not without my acquiescence or/and wisdom that I will hold my perception of being over fate.

 
Many of these thread ideas are realized, some in progress, some envisioned, some are seeds of what is yet to be believed.  I am propagating the possibilities-- the I CAN do.  I learned to make the isolated successes readily visible and viably integrated.  By creating a conscious pattern, the knowing 'I CAN do' widens perception's scope.

   I must intend to SEE possiblity.  I must intend to integrate, and draw on the empirical experiences that expand my perception of potentiality.  Else, I have memory of mere snippits.

[Billy]

billy is a busy boy-- s'up to me to create concise order and meaning >  laughing and shaking my head at this while ignoring its truth 

"The whole is OTHER than the sum of its parts."

[Billy]

I don't know if this is useful to you:
 
   The sense that one is on a path should be simply reinforced in this way:

   Your path is a material gift (in analogy) that you have given to yourself just as you would give a present to a relative.  Now, you don't go to the friend and ask for this gift back so as to give it again to that person.  What I mean to say is, once and for all reflect that you have chosen the warrior's way (or whatever), and be done with this.  No energy is to be wasted on recommiting to the heartful path.  That is, trust that this is already done with.

   As analogy to accompany this, think you have chosen to travel to a destination (say NY city).  Once you are on your way there, it is overkill to keep telling yourself, "I must know I am going to NY." (of course you are; you are already on your way)  And too, the look at maps and directions should be cursory at this point (that has been long gone over before this). 
   The sights, the stopovers, the sleep, the meals, the conversations, the anticipations-- ARE this trip to NY.  Again, trusting to trust yourself is the heartful path.

[Billy]

Making a note here, to expand about the practical matter of holding tension > knowing the 'path' includes (is) everyday milieu.

[Billy]

I am making connections right along as I write this stuff; much synchronicity for me.  I haven't had a hostile fight with my wife for many, many months until the day befor yesterday.  I dug in my heels knowing I had no patience for this sort of ****.  So I am pretty much in the setting where I'll be out of control with anger and resentment. Still, I can temper this mess somewhat simply by my working knowledge of what this is.  As conflict is tailing off, I am aware that I am still with baggage today as I attend the racetrack to bet.  I have tried to be cognizant of my own compromised state so as to moderate the amounts I'm dealing with.  I am not ideally tuned whatsoever, and it reels me into a mental toilet of sorts, so as I lose a considerable amount.. even as opportunities presented good chances for a positive outcome.  Of course, I am resentful of my wife having put me to the test to be in such an undesirable state of mind.  I was this way throughout the day even until now as I write. 

Again, I have goodly amounts of space to watch apart in a certain manner.  Here is the deal---  it does not matter that it was this particular unruly, nasty circumstance that visits me.  Stuff like this is a dime a dozen in life, and I find myself carried along at times.  Though it is my PLAY to direct and act in, I can be caught up in a part.  This is the way it is. 

  The parts of my PLAY where there is more energetic activity, especially when the parts entail tension, stress, torment, or/and consequential choice, I have to have self-knowledge>  I am not going to wake up one day and not have the tension sustaining my life--THAT'S not real. 

  The detachment herewith, has a quality of absorption.  The waves of tension and involvement are recognized FULLY > there it is > then in wisdom I move inward with this as a consumptive motion.  I eat what I see.  This is a substantial action of ownership and responsibility.  The intent is powerful with this practice, as nothing can own me.  The whole truly is other than the sum of the parts.  To say 'greater' would be to miss the point > content is irrelevant to authentic me.

   These tensions I speak of, are a level above common identifiable detachments.  These colour life with sentiment that often is hidden, and all the intended separation from obstacles will still leave you short of self-control.  Joe (friend/'teacher') talked about this for years; I now empirically get his thrust.  This probably will not be accessible to someone until after lots of detachment acumen.
  
   I'm trying to reiterate also that my life does not significantly change.  I am looking at what I will ever look at right now.  I am not living in a fucking monastery.  I'm billy.......  ....


  I will revert back to 1st person in relating things for the most part.  Identify with being the one in the first tense; you'll see better.

[Billy]

ADD: Without self-control as to life's tension, I tend to create complex difficulties and compound suffering.  Tension not moderated with detachment invites stressful acceleration, then depression or/and sickness.  I do not confront tension.  I recognize it and coax it into the empty void, my indifference.

[Billy]

I am so fortunate that the three aware humans I have interacted in my life anchored life's lessons to right here and now.  Yet, the dreams 'out there' were aplenty, tangible, to be cultivated with spirit, and to be realized.

   These three weaved a dream and one's presence into seemless cohesion.  There can be no separation of my ideas of the warrior's way and the relating, the doing, the desiring, the perceiving of life on a daily basis.  Conscious awareness and application thereof permeates experience because I willfully practiced detachment.

   I detach to see the wisdom as each situation PLAYS out, and thus wisely improvise and choose my proceeding parts.  I CAN set the stage and the setting, and write the script, even choosing the entities to have parts in my PLAY.

[Billy]

billy wrote:I am making connections right along as I write this stuff.... I will revert back to 1st person in relating things...



If I lose you, it is because I intend to write to myself and for myself {for the most part (for a while)}.

[Billy]

Relationships

Detachment relegates others to non-personal status; that is, they are more or less objects because I do not connect/attach to them as would be 'normal.'  There was definitely a conscious effort on my part to dismiss the relations to others, and this was not excluding my own sisters, daughter, and to a great extent my wife.  In a real sense, I'd rather not have much to do with them.  If all there was now between my wife was that I *** her once a week, I'd be entirely happy.

Without my own connective interest (with everyone), the character and dynamics of interaction is altered entirely.  I hold the prerogative to be accessible or inacessible, and I am more attractive (literally).  Too, often, people await my cues as if in recognition nothing they initiate can hold me.  This is true too-- they cannot.

   Of course, with this arrangenment comes more responsibility to create the scenes as people look to you.  Mostly this is playful for me.  I am very good at this.  Who knew?

[Billy]

I don't mean to scare anyone as to thinking I am extremely an ogre.  I actually am a gentleman who tends to identify with compassion.  Only, this really is out of controlled folly now, even though I am 'warm' and playful mostly.  You would think my position is cold and lifeless, and it is nothing at all like that.  What is lost in depersonalization is gained in awareness.

    Depersonalization italicized, because I am more of a fluid person.  I did not understand how automated or/and enslaved to the world around me prior to now.

[Billy]

The recent tension tripped off by shared marital hostility took me back to the old ways. 

  As if all I ever spoke of here was rendered futile, I felt weak and helpless in the fray of over-all existence.  I was at square one, a beginner in the warrior's way.

Amidst nasty consequences, I had a vivid snapshot pinpointing the loss of objectivity, and the hefty price for not remaining detached.

   The attention I paid to this unwanted trek in whatever assemblage of detachment mustered, was interesting.  Though insufficient, I will use concrete descriptors.

   I had this acute sense of DESIRABLE emptiness.  I realized it was exactly the sort of emptiness that most humans recoil from, exemplified by hollowed elders who yearn for productivity and purpose where none is to be had.  

    This empty meaninglessness carresses me.   Metaphorically, it feels like as if I were in a rectangular box a few times the size a coffin, within a larger empty room that represented a dark world/the ALL.

NOTHING, just NOTHING.  {darkness}


    Meanwhile, in everyday doings I see I am once again caught up in my own presence.  I am way too fucking human (smiling).  {Frail, needy and fearful at times.} 

 
   Don Juan to Castaneda: "You are a man and like any man you deserve everything that is a man's lot--joy, pain, sadness and struggle. The nature of one's acts is unimportant as long as one acts as a warrior. If you really feel that your spirit is distorted you should simply fix it--purge it, make it perfect--because there is no other task in our entire lives which is more worthwhile."

[Billy]

What I spoke of in prior post is the lack of self-control.

I mean that in the rudimentary way of emotions, but moreso in the existential sensation.  Such is not exclusive of self-mastery.

As I analyzed, I could reduce the seeming dilemna with clarity.  The spirit that is distorted by lack of self-control requires only the awareness of self-wholeness to assume perfection.

Simplity, in the task Don Juan refers to, resides in the bath of emptiness.  Here, disengaged from doings, TASTE of being 'me' is pure. 

   Wholeness is not the sum of being manifested, or its exclusion either.  Yet, this wholeness in passive emptiness is integral to choice and form.  How is this?

   The nature of being indifferent and fluid, rather than wallowing in attachment to disintegrating self-reflections, allows for this.  Fluid choices (yet no less calculated) are removed from the illusions of fate.

[Billy]

What are you going to become?  The path is taking you where?

  Am I doing a good job of issuance for combining the warrior's ideas to the necessary grounding?   Life is very real.  I must be very real too.

[Billy]

Anyway, this marital fight here was always a minor one.  I made issue of it to myself after the fact because I could not believe my own countenance of letting it effect me so much.  I mean I am hurt (laughing) that I am alive to a world outside, and it to me.  Serloco, please help  here.

A sensation of the protuberant hand of fate.  Like all fear, it is the fear that it is.

[Billy]

This where I'm worth my salt.  The intermittant hand of fate and foreboding is not going away any time soon.  I talk of it here.... I objectify..

AND, so why I needed to go deep (how shall I say? objectively annihilate self?), is so that I can draw on that.  I know I can direct my hand to hold the hand of fate, and keep the initiative of choice. 
Yet, as Castaneda writes, "I cling to nothing, so I will have nothing to defend."

[Billy]

This brings a full circle to 'holding tension.'
   Prior post: "These tensions I speak of, are a level above common identifiable detachments.  These colour life with sentiment that often is hidden, and all the intended separation from obstacles will still leave you short of self-control."

    You see--I acknowledge the sense of 'the sense' of helplessness 'against' fate; I recognize this makes me feel without control; I meet the tension.  The conscious attention IS objectivity {DETACHMENT}.
Running away without awareness of your own feelings here is evasion of responsibility.  I want the empowering choice of seeing myself as I am, and what I can be.